We hold tightly to our stories. Afraid to share their truths.
Preferring to appear normal, to fit in, we end up hiding behind masks, feeling alone and disconnected. Unknown.
We are afraid to disclose our stories because we have attached feelings such as shame, embarrassment, weakness, regret to them. These negative associations stem from the irrational belief that we should have it all together, all of the time, in every area of our lives. Measuring up to some form of family, cultural, societal, economic, or professional expectations and standards.
We have bought into the belief that life is at its best when it is consistently smooth, productive, positive.
This perception is supported when everyone else seems to be enjoying easy, successful, happy lives.
Yet, what we are observing is not the reality of each other’s lives, but only the images that we have chosen to present. The stories we prefer to tell. The ones we want others to believe.
We are reluctant to share our hardships, betrayals, breakdowns, worries, mis-steps, or disappointments. All which leads to critical and influential chapters of our stories being concealed from others.
Our misguided hope is that by wearing masks, presenting an image to the world, we can protect ourselves against potential criticism and judgement.
Sadly, our fears prevent us from stepping into the simple humanity of our lives. And from living out the simple truth of our stories.
In “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality”, Peter Scazzero uses the Iceberg Model to describe this phenomenon of burying our truths. He suggests we are like an iceberg when we permit only about 10% of our true selves to be known, and keep the other 90% deeply tucked away.
Scazzero suggests that in order to be emotionally healthy we must embrace our full humanity. This means accepting and acknowledge all of our physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual and social dimensions. Honestly and openly accepting how we are doing in each of these five dimensions helps us to face and deal with our issues and effect positive transformation.
Sczazzero states, “We can’t change – or better said, invite God to change us – when we are unaware and do not see the truth”.
The brilliance is that when we begin to hold our stories more loosely, and start to share them, we open space for our true selves to emerge. And we can start to live out the full, unique beauty of our stories.
We start discovering the personal strengths that helped us navigate our most challenging, disheartening chapters.
Authenticity permits others to lean in, and offer solace and comfort. Love reaches into the darkness, bringing warmth and light and hope.
Burdens are lightened when they are shared. As we release our heartaches and struggles into the caring hands of God and others, there is freedom. Energy that has been expended to repress and conceal, is now released to be used in positive, more affirming ways.
Relationships start to flourish. As we become known to each other, we can forge genuine, healthy relationships.
We discover that we are not alone. That others share similar experiences, thoughts and feelings. A sense of “me too” is fostered.
When stories are kept in the dark our imaginations embellish them, spinning them to be more intimidating, frightening, insurmountable or shameful than they actually are. Once they are brought into the light we can see them with a greater clarity and objectivity. Stories seem more manageable. More bearable.
Dr. Gabor Mate in his book, When the Body Says No, The Cost of Hidden Stress, discusses how repressing the emotional aspects of our stories influences our physical health. He states, “repression is a major cause of stress and a significant contributor to illness.” So when we stop the “civil war inside the body” and allow our repressed feelings and thoughts to surface, it contributes to better physical health.
Sharing stories allows us to tease out the parts where we have personally contributed in some way. When we face how we have acted, we can start taking responsibility for our negative contributions. Dr. Mate states, “There is no true responsibility without awareness.” And once we become aware of our negative behaviour, we can repent and make amends.
Scazzero suggests that as we begin to live authentic lives we are transformed emotionally and spiritually. We begin to “respect our full humanity.”
Living authentically means bolding reaching below the surface, bravely acknowledging even the most difficult aspects of our stories, and courageously walking into our truth.
Our stories matter.
Each has its own unique beauty and value. With a power to influence and encourage others.
They have been written to be shared, recognized, honoured. And celebrated.
A couple of years ago I felt God calling me to start getting a bit vulnerable and share and then I walked into church and on the stage was “SHARE YOUR STORY” in lights. Needless to say I took that as His answer!
Good for you Marsha to take a step into vulnerability! And how providential was it that “Share Your Story” was in lights!
Great thoughts. I agree that if we leave these things unacknowledged, it can be damaging. I would also offer the caveat that we have permission to be selective how much and to whom we share. Other people don’t have a “right” to know everything, and we need to exercise wisdom about what to share, when, and with whom. Some people are not to be trusted with our deepest things, and we know this — that’s part of the reason we can be so closed off in the first place. We know on a deep level that we need to offer ourselves some protection too.
Nicky, you make such a great observation around being careful/selective around with whom we share our story and how much of our story to share at any one time or place. Absolutely – some people have not earned the right to hear our stores because our history with them indicates that they are not to be trusted to handle them with care. Stories are to be shared with people whose hearts and hands are willing to receive them with respect, empathy, compassion, and grace. People who are willing to walk alongside us in our suffering and grief and hardships. I totally agree that to share indiscriminately can often lead to further hurt. Great comments Nicky!
Thank you, Anne, for this wonderful encouragement. Peter Scazzero’s book, “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality”, was a transformational book in my life several years ago. In particular, I needed to see how I was being held back spiritually by my lack of emotional health—and that book helped to open my eyes! So, so good!! I’m definitely a changed woman because of it.
Sonya, I agree that Peter Scazzero’s book is a transformational book. It is rich with teachings that have the power to help us grow spiritually and emotionally. If we open ourselves to them. How wonderful that you embraced the learning and feel so positive about your learning and growth! Proud of you sister! And thanks for your encouragement.
Such a great post on such an important topic, Anne! Yes, it certainly is scary telling our stories but those same stories can help salve the wounds of others and build authentic community. I love the Pete Scazzaro quotes you mentioned as well– I’ve read the book you mentioned as well as The Emotionally Healthy Church. Both had some wonderful insights in their pages. Thanks again for sharing your words of wisdom!
Thanks Sarah for your encouraging comments and insights. I agree, it can be so scary to step into vulnerability and share our stories. But when we do it well and with receptive people, it can be really powerful. It can help others when they realize they are not alone and it offers them an opportunity to through our experiences. And absolutely, genuine and authentic community cannot be built unless we are able to share our truths. Blessings!
I love this! So often we can get so caught up in comparison and conformity that we forget that our story, as much as it is our own, is actually God’s story. He weaves our unique story, along with the stories of others, into a beautiful tapestry of grace. Thank you for such encouraging words.
Kirsten, Yes! God does weave our stories together in a beautiful tapestry of grace. Each story matters. Thanks for your encouragement!
Oh how I LOVE this! so many times I’ve had a thought and decided not to share only to have that same thought pop up on a social media feed from someone else. Sharing in our struggles and joys is what Jesus wants us to do (ROMANS 1:12 that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith.) Such a wonderfully encouraging post for us to all be more honest.
Jen, thank you for your encouraging comments. I am so delighted that you enjoyed this post and it resonated with you. What a great Scriptural reference for the themes of this blog post. Yes, let us be mutually encouraged by each other and our stories!
Enjoyed this post. Many ones for myself it is fear that attaches itself to things that are happening in my own life. It’s like a dark cloud that hovers. It is when we call it out and point out that “yes you are there” but “no you will not be allowed to negatively effect me” that I am able to move forward. Thank you so much!
Heather,you make such a good observation around how when we tell our stories it can help to dispel any darkness associated with it. Bringing stories into the light can remove the chokeholds of more negative feelings such as fear, shame, embarrassment, worry and even remove power that others or our thoughts may hold over us. And how wonderful it is that we can become free and able to move forward. Thanks so much for your comments! I am delighted you stopped by The Stones Call.
It’s scary to share your story because everyone else who shares theirs, seems like they live good, perfect lives. I’m currently unemployed, thinking if it’s worth it to share what I’m going through now.
Melissa, I agree, it can be really scary to share our stories. Especially because it can often appear that everyone else has perfect lives or it seems that they have it all figured out. But the more people share – the more we will discover that we all struggle and suffer and have challenges. And when we share our truths and what we have learned through our suffering the more we can learn from each other.
Your advice about authenticity is so crucial! Thank you!
Thanks Jocelyn!
GOD bless you!
Thank you. Blessings to you too.